I can’t be a mom.

I can’t be a mom. That was without a doubt my biggest fear walking into my relationship with my now husband. His son Levi was coming up on his first birthday when we first got together. Blayne, being the fantastic father that he is, kept us separate for a while. He had 50/50 custody and I was living in Edmonton at the time so it was relatively simple at first. It became obvious quickly that Blayne and I were both “all in” and that Levi and I were going to need to meet on more than a passing basis.

I came up with a couple of ground rules. I didn’t share them with anyone but myself but I had them there.

  1. Levi was NEVER going to call me mom
  2. I was not going to take the role of the “active” parent

Levi had his own mom. He didn’t need me. I would be Jenn. But that wasn’t my biggest worry. I was terrified that one day I would end up resenting Blayne and Levi for being thrown into a mother like role before I was ready. I wasn’t going to let that happen. Blayne and I were a forever thing.

The first time I spent the night with Blayne while Levi was there was interesting, for both of us. I woke up with Levi in the morning and let Blayne sleep – come to think of it this is probably why Blayne still doesn’t wake up to anything in the morning. – We approached the morning, and each other, cautiously. Ate some breakfast and watched some TV. We managed just fine if I do say so myself. We managed to carry on that type of relationship until December.

Just 4 months after we got together, I had moved to Edson to be with Blayne and we were technically living together, although we shared a house with his parents. I say technically because I was sort of in denial about the whole thing. Anyways, that December is when things started to change. The mother  of all stomach flus hit the house. Somehow Levi and I were the only ones who weren’t sick! Which of course left me to take care of him while avoiding the vomity sickness. We bonded over cheese strings and Elmo. Biggest mistake ever, Elmo turned into an obsession for him. Luckily he outgrew it, but we still share a cheese string every now and then. Of course everyone started to feel better and then Levi and I were sick, but if it wasn’t got that one awful flu  Levi and I might have a very different relationship now.

I still have my rules, they have just evolved a little.

  1. Levi can call me whatever he wants. He chooses to call me Jenn. But occasionally he slips and calls me mom. That’s okay. I’m not trying to replace his mom, but it’s nice to know he is comfortable enough with me to acknowledge me as a mother figure.
  2. I am very much the active parent. I can’t parent one child and not the other. Also, I can’t be a parent without being a parent.

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I told him the other day we have a special kind of love. We chose to love each other. That is love I will never have with Hunter or our unborn child, they are my blood I “have to” love them. I am their mom. But Levi is different.  He is my Levi, and I am his Jenn.  Nothing is ever going to  change that.

Mad Mommy

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