A letter to my son.

My dearest Hunter,

Your baby is coming soon and I am so glad your excited, but mommy is afraid.

For so much of your life it has just been me and you. Levi was often at his moms or at school, and I have always been there for you. Every time you have been sick, or scared I have been there. Every tear, every smile, every laugh it has been me and you. Your firsts at everything, mommy was there to share your pride. For nearly 4 years, I have gotten all the cuddles, kisses, and hugs that you would share. We have spent countless hours cooking, and shopping, pretending and watching movies together. Me and you, but already things are changing.

With baby coming, mommy has to often been to tired to do anything. I nap and you, being the perfect little  boy that you are, you play by yourself or watch TV by yourself. Instead of cuddling on the couch and chair for hours, or reading a story mommy hurts and needs you to move. Instead of getting on the floor with you, I sit in my chair and struggle to be comfortable. Instead of taking you to the park, we stay at home because I can’t run and play with you. I’m sorry.

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I’m afraid you’re going to resent me or your baby. Your baby is going to take away your mommy. He is going to demand all of my attention. I won’t be able to pick you up and cuddle you. I won’t be able to anything on your timeline anymore. It will be the baby. When baby cries mommy will have to go. When baby wants something, mommy will have to give it.

I’m so afraid you’re going to lose that special light you have inside of you. I am so afraid that when you need me I will be unable to go. I am so afraid, that out special relationship is going to change.

You are my world, the light that keeps me going when it is dark. I would do anything for you. I want to protect you from the world, I want to save you from the hurt. I don’t want you to feel like baby has stolen your mommy. I would give anything for things not to change.

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Please forgive me baby, in all the talks about having another baby I never considered this. We talked about you being a fantastic big brother, you already are so great at that. But not once did we talk about what it would do to our relationship. I didn’t even think about it until we found out that we were going to have another boy. I already have you, how will another compare to the wonderfulness that you are. How will it change the perfect relationship that we have.

The only thing I can do it make you a promise, but you have to make one as well. I promise that I will make special time for Hunter and Mommy. Daddy can stay with baby as often as possible for us to just be us again. You have to promise to never let that beautiful smile fade away, stay you and stay young for as long as possible.

hunter 1

We have a couple weeks left of me and you time. Let us make the most of it. I will be only yours for as long and as often as I can. After that, be patient with me, and baby. It won’t always be this way. You will be the very best big brother you can be, while still being the very best little brother you can be. Mommy was a middle child too, I know what it is like, that is something that you and me will always have.

I love you my boy, more than you will ever know. You will always be my baby, even when you’re old.

XOXO

Love your mommy

Mad Mommy

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23 thoughts on “A letter to my son.

  1. Oh gosh this made me very tearful!! Beautiful pictures. I am sure that even if the initial adjustment is tricky Hunter will love having a brother and that your relationship may be a bit different but just as special and I don’t think anything will break your bond. I am the youngest of 4 and we are all very close to my mum so it’s definitely possible! #bigpinklink

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  2. What a lovely letter! I’m sure your little one will love getting involved with his younger brother as much as possible and although your relationship will change a bit you will find a way to keep it wonderful. Enjoy your new arrival! #KCACOLS + #MarvMondays

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  3. Aw I remember feeling like this, especially before I had my third baby. It is tough but they adjust very quickly it is amazing and he will love having a little sibling (most of the time!!) Watching them play together is the best 🙂 #KCACOLS

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    1. Thank you, this is technically my third because of my stepson and the oldest two have the most wonderful relationship. I hope they carry it on with this one. Thanks for commenting. #KCACOLS

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  4. It is hard – I’m on the other side of this and it has shaken my relationship with my eldest definitely. But it has also given her a completely new role, which she loves, and I couldn’t do it without her. The key is setting aside some special time just for you and Hunter, not the baby. I’ve yet to actually do this but I’m plotting an afternoon together just for my eldest and me to do something, so I can reconnect with her a bit and remind her that she’s still my special girl. Good luck with it all xx #bigpinklink

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  5. Aww, this brought back every single emotion I had when expecting my second baby… So raw and beautifully written. It’s so hard as well, like you say, when you want to be enjoying those last few weeks of precious time just the 2 of you, but you’re too tired, and so big that everything is hurting-I remember that so well. I can remember the forlorn looks that my eldest gave the baby, and that every time he saw me feeding the baby, he’d demand (scream) for milk too. I thought the guilt would eat me up, but once we were in a routine, I had enough time for both of them, doing something while the other was sleeping. I tell them both every day that there’s always enough love in my heart, and room on my lap for both of them (especially when they’re vying for my attention!!) You will be absolutely fine! And I’m sure Hunter will adore being a big brother. x
    #bigpinklink

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    1. Thank you so much. Right now he is so excited about the baby but when it comes all can change. Even seeing me in the hospital being away from him is going to be hard, forget coming home. We will all adapt as much as we can though. Thanks for reading. #bigpinklink

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  6. Lovely post. I can completely relate to how youre feeling right now. We’ve just had our second baby and a few months ago I wrote a really similar letter to my little lady. I felt so guilty and anxious about how our relationship would change, thinking that it would really change the dynamics and maybe not for the better. But since having our little boy 6 weeks ago, I can tell you that it changes for the better. The guilt doesnt go away because you constantly feel like you need to be able to split yourself in two, but on the whole it has been a lovely and positive 6 weeks. There are of course moments when the older one gets upset or frustrated because mummy is distracted with the baby,but its nowhere as difficult as I thought it would be.. Thanks for sharing this on #MarvMondays. Emily

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    1. Since writing this I have found so many mothers that felt the same way and they have nothing but words of encouragement I appreciate yours as well. Thanks for the comment. #MarvMondays

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