My dearest Hunter,
Your baby is coming soon and I am so glad your excited, but mommy is afraid.
For so much of your life it has just been me and you. Levi was often at his moms or at school, and I have always been there for you. Every time you have been sick, or scared I have been there. Every tear, every smile, every laugh it has been me and you. Your firsts at everything, mommy was there to share your pride. For nearly 4 years, I have gotten all the cuddles, kisses, and hugs that you would share. We have spent countless hours cooking, and shopping, pretending and watching movies together. Me and you, but already things are changing.
With baby coming, mommy has to often been to tired to do anything. I nap and you, being the perfect little boy that you are, you play by yourself or watch TV by yourself. Instead of cuddling on the couch and chair for hours, or reading a story mommy hurts and needs you to move. Instead of getting on the floor with you, I sit in my chair and struggle to be comfortable. Instead of taking you to the park, we stay at home because I can’t run and play with you. I’m sorry.
I’m afraid you’re going to resent me or your baby. Your baby is going to take away your mommy. He is going to demand all of my attention. I won’t be able to pick you up and cuddle you. I won’t be able to anything on your timeline anymore. It will be the baby. When baby cries mommy will have to go. When baby wants something, mommy will have to give it.
I’m so afraid you’re going to lose that special light you have inside of you. I am so afraid that when you need me I will be unable to go. I am so afraid, that out special relationship is going to change.
You are my world, the light that keeps me going when it is dark. I would do anything for you. I want to protect you from the world, I want to save you from the hurt. I don’t want you to feel like baby has stolen your mommy. I would give anything for things not to change.
Please forgive me baby, in all the talks about having another baby I never considered this. We talked about you being a fantastic big brother, you already are so great at that. But not once did we talk about what it would do to our relationship. I didn’t even think about it until we found out that we were going to have another boy. I already have you, how will another compare to the wonderfulness that you are. How will it change the perfect relationship that we have.
The only thing I can do it make you a promise, but you have to make one as well. I promise that I will make special time for Hunter and Mommy. Daddy can stay with baby as often as possible for us to just be us again. You have to promise to never let that beautiful smile fade away, stay you and stay young for as long as possible.
We have a couple weeks left of me and you time. Let us make the most of it. I will be only yours for as long and as often as I can. After that, be patient with me, and baby. It won’t always be this way. You will be the very best big brother you can be, while still being the very best little brother you can be. Mommy was a middle child too, I know what it is like, that is something that you and me will always have.
I love you my boy, more than you will ever know. You will always be my baby, even when you’re old.
Love your mommy