I type that with false confidence. In actuality, that period should become a question mark. A few days ago, while I was experiencing some writer’s block, a friend suggested I write about myself. As my 27th birthday is quickly approaching – tomorrow – it makes sense. I reflect on my kids on their birthday, why not myself? So I sat down and started.
I am a 26-year-old – almost 27 – wife and mother of 3 boys.
That was it. I started to wonder at what point I started to allow that to become my identity. I can’t pinpoint it, in fact, I don’t know if I have ever been my own person. My whole life I have been the little or older sister, the daughter, the friend, the girlfriend, the ex, the wife, and the mother. Not that there is anything wrong with those things, I love being all of them; I wouldn’t change any of them, except maybe the ex. I have spent the entirety of my life being forgetful and even encouraged it. I can, and do, blend into the background so much that people are able to walk past me and never even see me. I ran into someone from highschool a few ears ago and spoke to them and they didn’t have a clue who I am. I introduce myself as Blaynes wife, Levi and Hunters mom, Shylos sister. Never as myself. It is time to change that.
I’m not sure why that is, but I suspect that it has a lot to do with my lack of self-confidence. I have never been happy with myself. I vow to change that this year, or at least make an effort to change it. I am not sure what exactly this is going to entail. It may just be me losing weight. It may be me spending some time alone. It may be me finding a hobby that I love. It may be any combination of these or something else entirely.
Far to often this is the case. Not just with me, but with everyone. Women more than men for whatever reason. Yes, I am a mother, daughter, sister, wife and friend. I am all of these things. They help define me, but they are not me. Who am I and what I am are not interchangeable. Who YOU are and what YOU are not either. What you are is only a part of you, far to often the focus on just that. I know this will not be an overnight process, but rather a life long one. One that is ever-changing and evolving. People change. I will change, but I hope that with those changes I am still able to establish that I am me, not who someone else makes me.
I am going to start the journey now. with a glass of wine and a bath.
Cheers to my last night as 26-year-old me.