Superhero 4: a recap.

Dear Hunter,

I remember the day you were born like yesterday. Well, sort of. I don’t actually remember a good portion of it due to pain killers and lack of sleep but I remember most of it. Now, all of a sudden, you are four years old. Four. Count them, I know you can.

 

I feel at 4 years old you have accomplished so much. Your biggest accomplishment I would say is your baby brother. I think you would agree, I love watching you with him. You love him with all of your being, even if he makes you a little jealous sometimes. You proudly announce him to everyone you see and you ‘taught him how to roll.’ You also fight to sit beside him in the car. He is yours.

As much as everyone is your friend, your very best friend without a doubt is your big brother. Your batman to your robin. Literally considering robin is your favourite. You will do absolutely anything that he asks, which is not always the best, but it shows just how important your family is to you.

You had a big summer, we spent so much time doing what you love. Camping, and you found a new love in hiking. While your little legs get tired after a couple kilometres you still truck along for as long as you can. You are also very excited at the very thought of hunting with your daddy.  You caught not only your first fish but also your second and your third. But once you caught your first one, your biggest concern was making sure everyone else had a turn to catch one.

This is just beginning of how much of a sweetheart you are. You save every penny that you can get your hands on in your piggy bank or your scooby doo wallet. Not for a new toy or candy; but to but your mommy flowers. We can’t teach you that kind of sweetness, it comes straight from your heart. You’re always so concerned about others and how they are feeling.

You are growing up so fast, and I don’t worry about you at all. You are incredibly calm and mature for your age, which was a blessing while I was pregnant. I know it was hard on you at times, but we muddled through it and we both came out stronger on the other side.

There are a lot of big changes coming up for you in the next year, some you are more than ready for, others not so much. Some Mommy aren’t ready for, but I will manage. My pride and love for you overcomes everything else. I am excited, and terrifed to see what you will accomplish in the next year, and forever after that.

 

Grow slow little one, you’re only 4 for 365 days. Enjoy each and everyone of them.

Love Mommy

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Just one more hug.

It has been a week since my hardest goodbye, goodbye to my our last fleeting moments of alone time with Hunter before the baby came. I knew this was going to be hard, I had spent months agonizing over it. In fact even a week later I still am emotional thinking about it.

My c-section was still hours away but it was scheduled for 7 am, long before Hunter is usually out of bed, it only made sense for him to start his sleep-overs the night before. Plus, Blayne and I were going to have our anniversary dinner, and try to enjoy our last baby free night.

Hunter loves sleep-overs, he counts down the days until his next one. Also, he knew that this sleepover meant that “his baby” was coming, so he was bursting with excitement. I’m glad that someone was. My nerves were getting the best of me. I was torn between my excitement to hold my baby, and the sadness I was feeling at saying goodbye to my other baby.

This was going to be the last moment where he was my youngest, where he was my baby. I was going to have a new baby tomorrow, and as much as I had the last 39 weeks to prepare for that, emotionally I still wasn’t ready. I must have asked for another hug and kiss at least 15 times before Blayne said we had better go. He was right, we did still have dinner to go to, and Hunter was more than happy to go do his thing. He’s three, he didn’t understand how hard this was for mommy. So I got one more hug and kiss and off we went.

The next day Hunter was the only person that got to meet his little brother. This moment I will cherish forever.

 

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A letter to my son.

My dearest Hunter,

Your baby is coming soon and I am so glad your excited, but mommy is afraid.

For so much of your life it has just been me and you. Levi was often at his moms or at school, and I have always been there for you. Every time you have been sick, or scared I have been there. Every tear, every smile, every laugh it has been me and you. Your firsts at everything, mommy was there to share your pride. For nearly 4 years, I have gotten all the cuddles, kisses, and hugs that you would share. We have spent countless hours cooking, and shopping, pretending and watching movies together. Me and you, but already things are changing.

With baby coming, mommy has to often been to tired to do anything. I nap and you, being the perfect little  boy that you are, you play by yourself or watch TV by yourself. Instead of cuddling on the couch and chair for hours, or reading a story mommy hurts and needs you to move. Instead of getting on the floor with you, I sit in my chair and struggle to be comfortable. Instead of taking you to the park, we stay at home because I can’t run and play with you. I’m sorry.

I’m afraid you’re going to resent me or your baby. Your baby is going to take away your mommy. He is going to demand all of my attention. I won’t be able to pick you up and cuddle you. I won’t be able to anything on your timeline anymore. It will be the baby. When baby cries mommy will have to go. When baby wants something, mommy will have to give it.

I’m so afraid you’re going to lose that special light you have inside of you. I am so afraid that when you need me I will be unable to go. I am so afraid, that out special relationship is going to change.

You are my world, the light that keeps me going when it is dark. I would do anything for you. I want to protect you from the world, I want to save you from the hurt. I don’t want you to feel like baby has stolen your mommy. I would give anything for things not to change.

 

Please forgive me baby, in all the talks about having another baby I never considered this. We talked about you being a fantastic big brother, you already are so great at that. But not once did we talk about what it would do to our relationship. I didn’t even think about it until we found out that we were going to have another boy. I already have you, how will another compare to the wonderfulness that you are. How will it change the perfect relationship that we have.

The only thing I can do it make you a promise, but you have to make one as well. I promise that I will make special time for Hunter and Mommy. Daddy can stay with baby as often as possible for us to just be us again. You have to promise to never let that beautiful smile fade away, stay you and stay young for as long as possible.

We have a couple weeks left of me and you time. Let us make the most of it. I will be only yours for as long and as often as I can. After that, be patient with me, and baby. It won’t always be this way. You will be the very best big brother you can be, while still being the very best little brother you can be. Mommy was a middle child too, I know what it is like, that is something that you and me will always have.

I love you my boy, more than you will ever know. You will always be my baby, even when you’re old.

XOXO

Love your mommy

Maybe I can do this.

I remember the exact day I found out I was pregnant with Hunter. February 12, 2012. Blayne knew before I did, or before I was willing to admit it anyways. – My best friend and I had gone on a weekend trip to Banff a few weeks before hand and I refused to drink, so something in me already knew even then. – I had gone to work with Blayne the night before, it was about a 3 hour round trip and on the way home I broke down. Blayne told me he thought I was pregnant. I denied it. He pulled over and we talked,  he promised it would be okay and that we would get a pregnancy test the next day. I think the only reason I stopped crying was so that he would start driving again because I desperately needed to go pee.

The next day we picked Levi up from his moms and grabbed a pregnancy test on the way home. Now I have peed on more than my fair share of these things, all because I am paranoid, but this one I read the instructions front and back. I wasn’t going to mess this one up. So I peed on the stick and waited.

Positive

For about 5 seconds I smiled. Then the panic set it. I couldn’t be a mom. Of course Blayne came and calmed me down and we were great.

Then the bleeding started. 3 times I ended up at the doctor. The first was at 8 weeks. Then 10. Then again at  12. Each time everything was fine. When I hit 12 weeks I relaxed. I started to get excited. We started to buy things for baby.

The second trimester was mostly fine. At my 18 week ultrasound they couldn’t see the heart clearly, so I had another one at 22. Everything again was fine.

By the time I hit the third trimester I swear it was 1000 degrees outside. My only relief was to soak my feet in a tub of cool water, thanks mom. This is also when the anemia set in. The doctor put me on iron supplements to go with my prenatals.  They didn’t really help. I ended up getting weekly blood tests to test my levels.

I also had severe hip pain. I couldn’t walk from one end of my house to the other without severe pain. I fell down the stairs when I was 17 and hurt my hip then, it never really got better. But this was unbearable. Nothing helped.

This is literally all I remember of the third trimester, the pain and the exhaustion due to the anemia. It was bad. I counted down day by day to my due to date. Only to have it come and go. I was due October 20, 2012. Everyone was giving me tips to induce labor. Nothing worked, walking might have helped, but due to the hip pain I couldn’t do it. The ended up medically inducing me on October 30, 2012.

Throughout my pregnancy I craved Orange Crush, smokies and hotdogs. All things I shouldn’t be eating. In fact I ate so many hotdogs while pregnant I still can’t stand the taste and smell of them. During my second trimester for some reason I could not under any circumstances stand chicken, which is funny now because it’s probably the only meat Hunter will eat now.

This was me 2 days before Hunter was born. The only belly picture that was taken the whole pregnancy.

When forever isn’t long enough.

There are times when I look at my kids and I am blown away by how fast they are growing. There are also times I wish they would grow up and stop tattling and crying over every little things that happens but I’m sure at one point I am going to miss even that.

One day I’m going to pick up my boys, put them down, and never pick them up again. Levis day is approaching faster than Hunters. Just because of his age, but Hunter is unfortunately not far behind. The problem is that I probably won’t know. I won’t know that this is the last time I’m going to pick them up for a hug, or because they are sleeping. One day mommy won’t be able to. Daddy will have a few more years. Lucky him.

Far to often I wish they would stop doing things that make them children. Far to soon they will stop, and then I will be wishing for these days back. So, I’m going to try to stopping wishing, and instead I’m going to start holding. So when the day comes when I put them down and never pick them up again; I will at least have something to remember.

Trapped in my own terror.

My boys spend the weekend at their Baba and Papas house. Blayne had to work and I took an art class. These weekends are important for everyone.

1. They give they boys a chance to grow their relationship with their grandparents
2. Making memories, in the end that’s all you’re left with
3. Gives everyone a much-needed break from each other
4. Let me regain some sanity.

But with these weekends I find that while I hope to regain my sanity, it seems to slip away from me even more. While I am eternally grateful for everything, these are the nights that my anxiety slips into overdrive. I imagine the worst, and what should be a nice relaxing uninterrupted sleep quickly turns into a night of tossing and turning, accompanied by nightmares. At least once during the night I have to get up and check that my children are in fact not home. I run through every scenario possible, each one ending in disaster.

The only thing that can bring me back from my terror is my husband, which is why on the nights that he falls asleep on the couch, or worse, gets called to work; I’m alone in my head. I wish I could say that these were the only times I experienced this. But it hits me all the time, often at the worst times.

But for now, my kids are tucked safely into their beds. I will go check on them to reassure myself that they are perfectly fine, and for the moments I can’t do that. I will always have my husband.

On the bright side I did make this awesome sign!